Tales from our collective past
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27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
Thinking back on our lives I'm sure that there are several interesting tales that we could share with each other. This thread is dedicated to sharing a bit about ourselves through retelling moments from our lives. Funny, sad, enlightening; whatever they may be, post them here.
quote #1
23
 yoornotm...
3 years ago
Have I ever told you guys about the time I was following a kitty and wound up getting locked in a toxic waste dump?
quote #2
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
« yoornotme:Have I ever told you guys about the time I was following a kitty and wound up getting locked in a toxic waste dump?
No. That sounds interesting. Care to share the tale with us?
quote #3
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
One night at the big white house in McDonald

I used to stay in a house with two other guys in a really small town. The house was on the corner, had a big yard, and was located right next to a bar. Essentially we had no neighbors. That didn’t stop the police from visiting our house weekly. Apparently the bar would get upset with the noise we were making; it can be understandably difficult to get your drink on if the house next door was having a party.

If you’ve never lived in a small town, it’s difficult to make you appreciate how entertaining the police are. Often when a speeder is pulled over, two additional cruisers will show up… Not for back-up, but because nothing else was going on.

One of the cops who regularly showed up was far from intelligent, and we openly referred to him as Roscoe P Coltrain. He’d knock on the door and we would say things like “Hey Roscoe, what’s going on.”

I won’t talk too much crap about the police there, though; they responded to complaints and undoubtedly could’ve given us a lot more fines and arrests than we got. When the arrests occurred, they were definitely deserved.

Like the time Mike took all his clothes off and started fighting the police.

Mike was one of my roommates friends. He was at the house so often that he probably should have been paying rent, but he was an entertaining guy who was real easy to get along with and often paid for the beers we drank.

Mike was often popping pills and dropping acid. I’ve never been into introducing my body to manufactured chemicals, so I never partook in these things, but I was usually pretty high anyway so it was all good. (I’ve always been into the ‘natural’ drugs such as cannabis and mushrooms. The most processed drugs I partook in were alcohol and opium.)

He was a cool dude, real funny and quick to pick up on gags. Being able to pick up on a gag is very important to me in my friends, as I am a world renown bulls**tter. He and I and a few others had most of the people who came to the house convinced that we competed professionally in Galaga tournaments, and that this (insert month) I/we/he/she would be on ESPN2 at like 3:00am.

Anyway, one night he was at the house drinking and whatever and he informed us that he had dropped 10 hits of acid and was really “freaking out.” He said he needed to get the f**k out of the house, and one of the other guys (Justin) said that they were hungry and needed to go grab some grub. This seemed like the perfect time for Mike to get out, so he got in the car with Justin. I stayed at home and continued to practice my Galaga, as the Molsens were coming up in January and I was going to be up against some of the worlds best players.

The rest of this tale is a combination of what Mike and Justin related to me.

Justin was more than a little drunk and had been speeding “a little” and apparently swerved into the wrong lane. The cops said he swerved, but he swears he didn’t.

So the police pulled them over and Justin is being all calm, gets his license and registration out and answers a few questions. Meanwhile, Mike is going ape-s**t next to him; looking all around real suspicious-like.

Naturally the officers took note of this, radioed for back-up and asked Mike and Justin to step out of the car. As the second cruiser arrived, one of the cops was questioning Justin when all of a sudden they heard a “smack” of Mike’s fist hitting the other officer. (neither of them has any idea why Mike hit the man, but he was on a pretty crazy acid trip, so I guess there didn’t have to be a reason.)

The officer that Mike hit went down and the cops in the other cruiser got out, pulling out their batons (this was before they started carrying tasers). Mike started taking his shirt off while the first officer got to his feet and the other two approached him. More back-up was called.

The police tried to reason with him, but how can you reason with a man who is starting to slip out of his pants? As he stepped out of his jeans, one of the officers stepped in and tried to wrestle him to the ground, but Mike slipped out of it and knocked that guy to the ground.

Eventually the third cruiser arrived. They had one guy on Justin, who was just standing there like “What the f**k?” and the other guy joined the others in surrounding the now fully naked Mike.

They sprayed his with pepper spray, but it didn’t do much aside from angering him further. Anytime one of them would approach, Mike would knock them down like some sort of crazy fat naked prize fighter. It wasn’t too much longer before the police wizened up and started trying to double and triple team him; hitting him with their billy clubs and spraying him with more pepper spray.

He just kept shaking them off though, kept knocking them to the ground; d**k swinging in wind and all.

After a good ten minutes of this they decided to just all jump him at once and bring it down. It worked and they were able to get the cuffs on him and shove him in the back of the cruiser.

Mike was only in jail for a couple of days before he started showing back up at the house. He was an entertaining dude to say the least.

**On a side note, during the final tackle when they got him on the ground, Justin said one of the officers had his face somehow shoved inside of Mike’s ass crack.
quote #4
20
 Jerry520
3 years ago
« yoornotme : Have I ever told you guys about the time I was following a kitty and wound up getting locked in a toxic waste dump?
Did you get superpowers?
quote #5
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15
 titojuan...
3 years ago
NSFW story (maybe)

ok, an embarrassing story.

A few years ago on my birthday some friends and I were going out after I got out of work. We met one of our friends at his job. He was working the door at a club. We got in for free and the bartender wanted to give us some shots for my birthday. I don't know why she was so sadistic but she insisted I do shots of 151. I also don't know why she made me do two of them. After my friend got off of work we were going downtown to go to the President Casino because that is what I really wanted to do; drink some beers and play some blackjack.

We arrived at the casino and started walking down the ramp (riverboat casino). My two friends were acting like idiots and fooling around. When we got to the security checkpoint the guard informed my friend that they were not going to let him in because he was intoxicated.

f**k!

Well lets just cross the river and go to the Casino Queen.

My friend Shaun decided to just go home because he was on probation and could not leave the state without permission from his PO.

Andy and I started to go to the Casino Queen. He made a wrong turn and started to get lost. He was trying to figure out where to turn around and go back the right way. He all of a sudden got a big grin on his face "I know where we are"! "Yep, yep" He was excited because he accidentally drove to the strip clubs.

He said why don't we go here and then go to the casino. I agreed to go in for a little bit but I still just wanted to go to the casino. These are the seedy strip clubs. After about half an hour I asked him if we could leave. "ok"

Apparently the strip club got him horny. We started to drive to the casino when all of the sudden he pilled over behind an old building. He had apparently had a twenty in his hand and had the idea to hind a hooker. He told me the next day that when he left the strip club he was ready.

When he pulled over he asked my to jump in the back seat so he could get a blow job. For some reason I agreed. I was pissed of. "whatever, just f**king hurry! I want to go to the boat."

Some crackwhore scurries up to the car. and starts playing with him. I am disgusted but I am not getting out of the car in this neighborhood. All of a sudden my door opens. Another crackwhore was trying to get me to buy her. "no, I'm cool". She started playing with my belt. I told her to leave. She would not leave. She kept telling me to whip it out. I kept telling her to leave me alone.

I then somehow noticed my wallet was missing. "Where the f**k is my wallet!?!?" Sher said it is right there on the floor. I was relieved, I thought that I had lost it at the strip club. I put it back and she left and so did there other woman. I jumped back in the front seat and asked him to go to the boat. He laughed and started driving off. I looked in my wallet. "You f**king douche, you caused me to get robbed by a crackwhore!" I was fired up, I had over $400 on me because I was going to the casino.

He apologized, and told me he would front me cash. "Ok, can we just go to the casino? I will go to the atm." He opened his wallet.
"Mike?"
"What?"
"That b***h stole all my money, I had over $300 on me"
"f**k you Andy! I had over $400 and it is my birthday! f**k this s**t, just f**king take me home."

He was worried what he was going to tell his girlfriend. Why he was broke.

I said "Andy, this should teach you a lesson. Don't go to f**king hookers. Especially crackwhores!"

The really sad thing about this story, this wasn't the first time this idiot caused me to get robbed by a hooker.
quote #6
26
 Moe
3 years ago
« titojuante :One messed up story
Personally, I think I would stop hanging out with this guy.
quote #7
15
 titojuan...
3 years ago
« Moe : Personally, I think I would stop hanging out with this guy.
He is actually a good guy, just an idiot. He is also my best friend. Funny thing was this story came up last night at the bar.
quote #8
26
 Moe
3 years ago
« donteatpoop :I’ve always been into the ‘natural’ drugs such as cannabis and mushrooms. The most processed drugs I partook in were alcohol and opium.
Just an FYI, opium is not processed in the least bit. The opium poppy is grown (usually in Afghanistan), and when fully grown, a curved needle is inserted into the underside. The sap that comes out is pure opium. They take that an refine it into heroin.

This of course is all what I am told. I have no personal experience with opium whatsoever. None. None at all. I know nothing of its stickiness or sweet perfumey smell.
quote #9
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
« Moe : Just an FYI, opium is not processed in the least bit. The opium poppy is grown (usually in Afghanistan), and when fully grown, a curved needle is inserted into the underside. The sap that comes out is pure opium. They take that an refine it into heroin.

This of course is all what I am told. I have no personal experience with opium whatsoever. None. None at all. I know nothing of its stickiness or sweet perfumey smell.
Good, thank you. It fits even better into my principals then.
quote #10
19
 gratheo
3 years ago
Wow, you guys have some good stories. All I've got are tales of successful bargaining (with storekeepers, for things with price tags, with cops, etc...)
Oh, and a tiger.
quote #11
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
(since hardly anyone is sharing here, I'll just go again)

When I was growing up my family always had a boxer. They are still my favorite kind of dog, but I prefer their ears to be floppy.

Anyway, this one dog we had was named Joker. (I think my dad named the dog after the ‘cigarette’ papers).

Joker was all muscle. He was such a badass, but he was also a really nice dog to the people he knew.

A few short tales about Joker:





Joker makes friends with the meter man

Joker lived outside in big rectangular doghouse that my dad made for him.

He was always breaking his chain since he was so strong, so my dad bought one of those super thick industrial size chains to hold him.

From my bedroom window I saw the following scene play out.

One day the meter man came and Joker was not at all pleased to see him. But he had the super-strong chain on, so there wasn’t much he could do save for stretch the chain as far as it would go and growl and bark a lot. The meter man did his thing, read the outside meter and jotted down some notes.

The whole time he read the meter, my dog was devising a plan. Joker took the chain as far as it would go in the opposite direction and then made a running charge towards the meter man, the thick-ass used-to-lift-cement-blocks chain shattered like ceramic on a sidewalk. The dog jumped on him and pinned him to the ground, wrapping his jaws around the mans throat.

He never bit the man, just held him in place while my mom ran out of the house and told Joker to heel. The meter man pulled out a bottle of pepper spray as the dog slowly removed his mouth from the mans throat, growling ferociously all the while. The meter man lifted the pepper spray in his hand, but before he could spray it my mom spoke to him.

“I suggest you don’t spray that,” she said; “I don’t think I can stop him from ripping your throat out if you hurt him.”

The man swallowed hard, nodded, and put the spray away while my mom grabbed Jokers collar and held him in place.

He seemed like such a good guard dog. But all it took was a steak to distract him while people robbed our house (twice).




Hide and Seek

While playing hide and seek with some of my friends I realized that none of them would dare look for me in Jokers doghouse. Joker was cool with kids, liked and licked the hell out of them, but he was still a big scary looking dog that most of them feared him a bit.

I realize that many of you are thinking that this was an underhanded tactic in the game of Hide N Seek, perhaps you would even call it cheating. But I learned to cheat in all games by my grandfather. (I have since developed some pretty advanced strategies; in Candyland there are a few tips I can share with you; Draw two cards instead of one, pick the one you like best. Always take the shortcut, whether you technically can or not. Skip one or two blocks of colors as you make your journey, more often than not no one will notice.)

Anyway, the one kid was counting and everyone else scurried to find a spot. I dove into Jokers doghouse and sat in the comfy but itchy hay that was inside. My plan worked, they were completely unable to find me.

There was a drawback to this plan, however. Joker came into the doghouse and would not let me out. He blocked the doorway, I tried to push him out of the way but he would not budge. I was in there long enough for the other kids to start wondering what had happened to me and for my mom to start calling out my name. I started to cry.

Don’t laugh; this was a long time ago. I was five or something. Stop mocking me.

Anyway, my mom found me and rescued me, but Joker was very sad that I had to leave his house. I think he thought I was going to be his new roommate.





The fantastically horrific journey

One day Joker and I were playing in the yard and he began sniffing around in the ditch that bordered our property and the neighbors. I was asking what he was looking for when he found a hole in the ground towards the edge of the ditch, and he started digging at it.

The hole expanded quickly until it was sizable enough for him to walk into, and he being larger than I was; sizable enough for me to crawl right through.

Once inside the hole I realized that we had actually stumbled upon a good sized cavern. Joker walked on in the underground passage, and like a fool I followed him. The tunnel lead us further and further down into then depth of the earth, but it was somehow light enough for me to see.

Soon enough it became even more alight, an orange glow was ahead and the cavern became even more expansive. Suddenly Joker looked back at me and whined a little, and I found myself in a huge underground chamber, fire everywhere. The devil was down there with his red face, well groomed goatee, horns, and pitchfork. He laughed evilly and I realized soon enough that I had followed my dog all the way down to the depths of hell.

And then I woke up and went my parents room to tell them about it. They made me go pee and then go back to bed.

It was pretty scary though.



If I find any pictures of Joker I’ll post them. I know I have a few somewhere…
quote #12
7
 tchengro...
3 years ago
My mom was a waitress, and she worked every major holiday...yup, Thanksgiving and Christmas, too. I still remember the year she took us shopping the week before Christmas to pick out our own presents. Even though I knew what would be under the tree that year, I still remember feeling a sense of excitement when she went into her room to wrap those gifts.

With my own kids, I always try to leave some element of surprise with the holiday. They have lost their belief in the guy in the red suit, but they still don't know what they're getting until Christmas morning.
quote #13
19
 Maven
3 years ago
I bought a house in Cheyenne in July 1998. The couple that lived there before had dubious hygiene--they locked 4 pomeranians in the basement for 12 hours each day, with the obvious consequences that the dogs peed and crapped in the basement. After a week of bleaching and cleaning, including removing dog crap from under the fridge and oven, we move in.

My then boyfriend, now husband got a puppy that fall. She was a teeny little thing, had the run of the backyard.

Move forward to February. Teeny pup is now a medium sized dog.

I was taking classes in the evening. I came home at about 7:30. House smells of something dead. Ask what stinks. Boyfriend says he 'thinks it's the dog.' Instruct him to give her a bath. Grab a flashlight, head outside to see what could possibly smell of dead meat in the backyard.

Discover scraps of pink satin fabric scattered around the yard. Keep looking.

Right next to the back door, concrete steps and a corner of the house form a u-shaped space. There were several 4 x4's that had been stacked there by the previous owners, we hadn't moved them yet.

Notice that there's more of the pink fabric, along with what looks to be some black plastic. Coming from a hole. Under the 4x4's. Dog apparently moved the boards to dig up...Something. Something stinky.

Go inside, get boyfriend. Get a shovel. Take a couple scoops of dirt out. Determine that there is a black plastic bag buried RIGHT NEXT TO THE HOUSE. With something dead in it.

Ponder briefly. Call 911 and say that I don't want to seem crazy, but there is in fact something dead buried in my backyard, I have no clue what it is, and would they like me to ring them back if it turns out to be human remains. Dispatcher says, no, please don't touch anything else, we'll send someone out.

Cop arrives. And commences to dig. And dig. And dig. 45 minutes of digging reveals that most of the u-shaped space is in fact filled with a body inside a black plastic bag. Officer and boyfriend both work to remove the bagged item from the hole. Office can not determine exactly WHAT is inside the bag. Has to open it.

Opens the bag. Inside is ANOTHER black plastic bag. Opens this second bag. Reveals a pink comforter, with satin trim.

By this point in time, the stink is horrible. Office peels back the comforter, to reveal a large dog--like wolf hound sized.

The previous owners had wrapped it up, buried it in the back yard right next to the back door, which opens into the KITCHEN, double bagged. And only about 6 inches of dirt on top!

Office regales us with stories of actual human remains being discovered, washes his hands and leaves.

Dead dog is still in the back yard. It's past 10.

We decide to go to bed, deal with it the next day.

Get up, realize that we can't leave OUR dog outside with the corpse. Take her to work with me. I call the animal shelter. After spending 20 minutes convincing them that this dog was not in fact MINE, that I've no clue how it died, they explain that they can't come pick up a dead animal. But we can take it down to them and they will cremate it.

Call boyfriend, he agrees that we can put the dead dog in the back of his truck and he can take it to the animal shelter.

Meet at the house.

It snowed, just a trace, just enough that the dead dog is now a soggy dead dog. Juicy, even. Plastic bags won't cut it. Wrap dead dog in a tarp. Haul it to the truck, take it to the animal shelter, have it cremated.

Spend the next 6 months trying to get that stink out of the back of the truck.

The ONLY amusing part of the tale was the look on peoples face when they asked me why I'd brought the dog in to work.

"Oh, she found a body in the back yard."
quote #14
19
 gratheo
3 years ago
OK, here's a story. Suddenly remembered it as I ate lunch.


Crouching neigbours, hidden tiger
A while ago, back in Indonesia, our old neighbours happened to be a semi-high ranking government official. Now, some people have guard dogs. They had a guard tiger. I have fond memories of walking my dog, Buster, down the road, and pausing to toss the tiger a piece of meat from the warung (a street vendor, and a pretty awesome guy). Now, the tiger was normally chained to a tree with a chain that was probably two or three inches thick, to stop it from escaping (the gate was pretty flimsy). One day, I remember walking past, and seeing that the tiger wasn't chained to the tree. Needless to say, I ran home as fast as I could, screaming all the way, since I thought that the tiger had escaped. I was probably about six years old at the time. Fond memories...
quote #15
13
 wags273
3 years ago
Ghost Light!

I live in a very small town in the middle of a corn field. Its very small so naturally my friends and I know every inch of this town. When we were around twelve we would go out at night and cause harmless mayhem. Well, my best friend was a little bit of a wuss, he wouldn't curse, he wouldn't say "I swear to GOD", even. Anyway one night we were walking across this wheat field that happened to be in the middle of town. He was looking at this house that we know was unoccupied and the light came on down stairs. He stops in his tracks and says "You know how I don't swear to GOD, well I swear to GOD that light just came on in that house." When we looked at the house the light was already off again. So we all decide to watch this house during the night to see whats going on, so we watch this house for a period of several days and my friend was telling the truth. We finally all got the courage up to sneak into this house and no one was there. We continued to watching the house periodically and the light would come on and go off occasionally but to this day we have no clue who was behind it.
quote #16
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
« wags273 : Ghost Light!
That's kind of freaky. There was an abandoned house I used to drive past all the time that had the same thing, lights on sometimes. I went into the house, no one was there. Strange thing is the house was just sort of abandoned. It was like the people who lived there just didn't come back from wherever they went. It looked like someone had just stepped out the door and left everything where it was, but there was a huge accumulation of dust on everything so it's been like that for some time. There's a car in the drive and everything. I felt uneasy the whole time I was there.
quote #17
13
 wags273
3 years ago
This house was like that it was a nice house with furniture and everything, but no one lived there.
quote #18
24
 dollylla...
3 years ago
« wags273 : Ghost Light!

I live in a very small town in the middle of a corn field. Its very small so naturally my friends and I know every inch of this town. When we were around twelve we would go out at night and cause harmless mayhem. Well, my best friend was a little bit of a wuss, he wouldn't curse, he wouldn't say "I swear to GOD", even. Anyway one night we were walking across this wheat field that happened to be in the middle of town. He was looking at this house that we know was unoccupied and the light came on down stairs. He stops in his tracks and says "You know how I don't swear to GOD, well I swear to GOD that light just came on in that house." When we looked at the house the light was already off again. So we all decide to watch this house during the night to see whats going on, so we watch this house for a period of several days and my friend was telling the truth. We finally all got the courage up to sneak into this house and no one was there. We continued to watching the house periodically and the light would come on and go off occasionally but to this day we have no clue who was behind it.
That reminds me of a story.

The Electric Land.

I grew up in a small village, Dobbs Ferry, NY. It's right on the Hudson River in Westchester County. There's a "beach" (actually the shoreline of the Hudson) behind Mercy College. The beach is dubiously named "Bare Ass Beach" or "BA" as we tended to refer to it. It was "the" hangout. My best friend, Michelle, and I were down there one night, no one else around and the tide on the river was low. It was summer and we were wandering the shore in bare feet looking for something, probably trouble if memory serves.

I take a step onto a part of the damp sand and I get an electric shock. Not strong, but I know exactly that it's an electric shock. I call Michelle over and she steps and the same thing happens. We, of course, can't stop trying this out and squealing at the sensation. I'm a bit freaked out but Michelle starts testing the perimeter of this and putting up a barrier. I figure we need to tell someone as it could be dangerous. (Yeah, killjoy that I am). While Michelle plots out the boundary of the shocking sand I run over to Mercy College to find someone to tell.

I encounter a guard who listens to me with half interest and a look of "this is utter bulls**t" but I'm emphatic. He follows me, begrudgingly and distrustfully to the beach, advising me the whole time how this is private property and we shouldn't be there, etc. (It's a fugging hangout dude, we're here all the time, you know it and so do all the other rent-a-cops on campus and shut up and feel the damn sand).

He touches the sand and immediately tells us we have to leave. He starts to radio someone...no idea who, and fairly pushes us back up to the main campus.

To this day I don't know what it was.
quote #19
13
 wags273
3 years ago
I would guess you guys stumbled onto a buried electrical line that cracked or something.
quote #20
27
 donteatp...
3 years ago
« dollyllama : 
To this day I don't know what it was.
I bet it was electricity.
quote #21
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