Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you!

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so pissed off when she finds out.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Ooops. Ice Pigs posted this in the adult joke thread. I shall find a new one in the mean time.

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon. Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired..

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Lowe's, either."

A man is marooned on a desert island with only a pig and a dog. He manages to survive and creates a decent home for himself whilst awaiting rescue, however, after time, as his urges increase, he begins to consider the pig as a viable option to cure his needs. One night his urges get the better of him, and he lunges at the pig, but immediately the dog goes for his throat, impeding his efforts. This goes on for a while, until the man has given up all hope of satisfying his lust, when, walking up the beach one day to clear his head, he comes across a beautiful woman, who has also been marooned. After he gives her mouth to mouth, saving his life, they spend the night talking, and over the next month develop a great friendship. One morning the woman comes to the man, wearing very little clothing, and tells him that if there is anything she can do to make their predicament more enjoyable for him, anything at all, he need only ask. He looks at her and says.

"Finally, could you take that bloody dog for a walk."

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.
Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Blond Password:
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:


MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy


When asked why such a big password, she said, "Well, DUH, it has to
be at least 8 characters long."

She can't be a true blond, she spelled them all correctly.

APARTMENT for RENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:


'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed
upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:


'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management..
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...

A lawyer has just died and goes up to heaven. As he is waiting at the pearly gates he is noticed by one of the attending angels.

"Oh my" says the angel "come, come to the front of the line."

When the lawyer arrives at the front of line St. Peter guffaws and takes the man by the hand. "Oh my" says St. Peter "allow me to show you to your room personally."

Somewhat shell-shocked the lawyer simply follows along. Once they reach the housing complex they go up to the 5th floor. St. Peter shows the lawyer a nice suite with nice furniture.

"Thank you!" says the lawyer.

"No, no," says St. Peter, "I just wanted to show you where the apostles are staying. They're all here on the 5th floor.

St. Peter then shows the lawyer to the 10th floor and shows him a very nice suite with a private pool.

"Thank you!" says the lawyer.

"No, no," says St. Peter, "I just wanted to show you where the Popes are staying. The 10th floor is reserved for Popes.

Then St. Peter takes the lawyer up to the very top floor and finally announces that they've arrived at the lawyers room. The lawyer goes inside and is stunned. The suite is more luxurious that he ever imagined. From gilded statues to marble columns.

"Wow!" says the lawyer, "What did I do to be so lucky, to be placed above apostles and Popes?!"

"Well," says St. Peter, "We get a lot of followers, saints, and Popes. You're our first lawyer!"

Three Old Men

The three elderley men in the old folks home having a chat one day.

The 80 year old complains that he has trouble with his waterworks and has to keep going for a pee.

The 85 year old who has problems emptying his bowels each day, he sometimes finds it rather difficult.

The 90 year old tells them that he has absolutely no problems.

Each morning at 7 o'clock he empties his bladder and each morning at 7:30 he empties his bowels in a nice smooth movement.

“You're lucky!” said the two youngsters.

“Not really,” said the old timer, “I don't wake up until 8 o’clock.”

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

Fast Sex

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office...but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.. Finally, after an hour, the boyfriend calls her on her cell phone and asks what happened...?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The b*****d had all quarters, and I'm still picking them all up!'

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here."



Yarr

Saint peter is up in heaven waiting for people to come and one person does so he asks, "So, how did you die?"
"Well, you see, I came home from work early to surprise my wife. So I go up to to bedroom to find her naked on the bed. This just set me off and I go rampaging through the house looking for this guy that's cheating with my wife. I couldn't find him anywhere, until I look out onto the balcony. He's hanging over the balcony, so I go over and start to stomp down on his fingers. I keep at it till he falls down into the bushes. I then see him starting to crawl out. At this point I'm really pissed off, so I go get the fridge and start to push it to the balcony, and then heft it up over the rail. I then watch it go down and hit the guy, but at that point, I had a heart attack, and ended up here."

Saint Peter "Ok, in you go."

About 30 seconds later, another guy comes up.
Saint Peter "How did you die?"

"Well I doing my aerobics in my apartment every afternoon as I usally do, and I ended up tripping over my dog. So I end up going out over the balcony, and miss mine, but luckily grab onto the one the floor below. So I'm hanging there and I'm about to pull myself up hen this guy comes out from the apartment and starts to stomp on my fingers. I end up falling below, but the bushes cushioned my fall. So I'm down there with a broken back and some not so useful wrists. I'm crawling out and look up and see a fridge coming down on me, and then I'm here."

Saint Peter "Go on in, theres this guy you may want to talk to in there."

About 30 more seconds, this third guy comes up.

Saint Peter "How did you die?"

"Well, I've done things in my life that I'm not proud of, lets just say I ended up naked and in a fridge."

One morning, a mama cow and her three baby cows were out grazing in the field. The first baby cow comes up to the mama cow and says, "Mama, why is my name Daisy?"

And the mama cow said, "Well sweetie, when you were born, a daisy fell on your head."

And the first baby cow trotted off, satisfied.

The next day, they were all out in the field again. The second baby cow came up to the mama cow and said, "Mama, why is my name Tulip?"

"Well, honey, when you were born a tulip fell on your head."

And the baby cow was happy with that answer and continued grazing.

The next day, they all went out into the field again to graze. The third baby cow came up to the mama cow and said,
"GLUPHABABABLUGHARDTHYPOGHHH!!!"

And the mama cow said,
"SHUT UP BRICK!!!"

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workers. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied.
"Let's see you do it."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles..

Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right, Dumb Ass, get in."

So this prostitute is out doing her rounds and gets called to get into a car by a prospective client:

Client: How much?

$100

Client: All I have is $30... what can I get for $30?

Just one moment...

The prostitute gets out and goes to her pimp and explains to him what transpired in the car:

Pimp: For $30... he gets a handjob

The prostitute returns to the car and tells the client that for $30 he only gets a hand job. The client agrees and whips out his 'exemplary' specimen of manhood. The prostitute excuses herself for a moment and returns to the pimp:

Anyway you can lend him $70?

How to Give a Cat A Pill





1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.


Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.


2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.


Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.


Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.. Call spouse from garden.


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.




7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.


Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.




9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.


10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.


Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.


11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.


Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.


13. Tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.





14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.


15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.




How To Give A Dog A Pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.


2. Toss it in the air.